You Must Be Kidding

Then why aren’t you listening to Jennifer Teeter RIGHT NOW?

So I performed at Dragon*Con, and it went really well, and I sold CDs, and it was hard work, and an awesome learning experience etc. etc. etc.

One expected, yet still surprising, aspect of the whole thing was acquiring a few fan boys, some verging on stalkery levels.  One of them sent me a very gushy, long-winded, over-sharey facebook message asking me out (and also telling me he was a single dad).  I sent him back a curt, short message back saying, “no,” but before I wrote that message, I wrote a my own long-winded version.  It says things that I’ve wanted to say to sad desperate nerd boys, things I wish some one had told me when I was a sad desperate teenager.  It’s frustrating because you want to treat people with respect, and a curt form letter doesn’t feel like you’re doing that.  I’m glad I didn’t send my ranting one, but I thought you guys might get a kick out of it.  They’re mildly edited for privacy sake.

Curt message:

Nathaniel,

Thank you for your kind words. This was my first year performing at Dragon*Con, and I was overwhelmed at the positive response I got from people. I was so grateful for everyone who bought a CD or came up to talk to me about my music. I apologize if that meant I appeared anything other than grateful.  I am not interested in meeting with you, but I wish you the best of luck.

Jennifer Teeter

Long message:

Nathaniel,

 

You’re better than this. I remember you; you seemed like a self-respecting, smart guy. You don’t need to be writing pitiful, over-sharing facebook messages to girls you’ve spent less than five minutes talking to. I could be a racist undertaker with a penchant for kicking babies. Let me make it really clear, I am not interested in getting coffee with you. Not as a date, not as friends, not at all. This is sad, because you seemed like a cool dude, but you handled this really badly. Here’s a hint for the future: if you’re joking about being creepy or if you are trying to justify that you’re not creepy when you’re talking to a girl, it probably means that you shouldn’t be saying what you’re saying. It puts you in a situation where you are ten times more likely to get rejected and/or make a girl uncomfortable than to reap any possible benefits. I apologize if I’m coming off as mean, but it’s heartbreaking to see a guy who should have his shit together act like a fourteen year old boy.

If you read your message, and didn’t know you, what would you think about that guy?

Let me reiterate, I’m really not interested. I’m not interested in dating a guy with kids. But most of all, I’m not interested in spending time with a person who sends a very gushy message, discussing his personality, his living situation, and his crush to a person he doesn’t know. You just spent a weekend with literally thousands of cute, smart, nerdy girls, many of whom would love to find a great, reliable guy who is a loving father. You say that you haven’t really been “looking” for someone, but obviously something inside of you is looking for human connection.  You say you’re shy, but it should take so much less courage to ask someone what they do for a living than to tell a practical stranger that you’re smitten with them. 

I wish you the best. Lay off the gushy emails, get a little confidence, maybe consider online dating to find a girl who wants to date a father, and you will do just fine.

Jennifer Teeter

“Listen up. I know the shit you’ve been saying behind my back. You think I’m stupid. You think I’m immature. You think I’m a malformed, pathetic excuse for a font. Well think again, nerdhole, because I’m Comic Sans, and I’m the best thing to happen to typography since Johannes fucking Gutenberg.”

By Mike Lacher 

Full thing here: http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/monologues/15comicsans.html